I started to title this “Flight from Hell” but that would not be accurate. The departure spot was beautiful. What’s not to like about Panama City Florida. The airport is brand new there are only two airlines and one is or was my preferred carrier. Anyone who knows flight travel knows that the best-laid plans do not always come to fruition. Thus is the story of this day.
Returning from the wedding of our best friends daughter, my wife and I had got up at dawn 24 hours before our flight to the second. This was a necessary to procure “A” boarding passes. The coveted boarding passes are a thing with me, especially since I hate to ride in any seat except the aisle. These passes would get me out of Panama City into Orlando and off to Chicago’s Midway Airport. I did not understand the route but I would have a reasonable chance of sitting together with my wife and an aisle seat to boot.
The day started well enough, a little foggy but as I had already programmed the GPS, the turn-by-turn instructions took us to the airport in the swamp. No lines at 5:30 am, security was quick, TSA very polite (remember it is still early) so all is well. Grabbed a couple breakfast burritos and settled in.
“Folks your departure time of 0700 is going to be pushed a little since Mother Nature is not cooperating this morning”. “ The tower won’t release the plane unless there is ¼ mile visibility so just hang on and we’ll get ya’ll off as soon as we can”. Oh boy, here comes that irritation that creeps into a middle-aged psyche well versed in impending doom.
I could feel my jaw tighten, as I knew we only had a 30-minute layover in Orlando. So I headed to the desk. On my way, my head filled with questions. Why did the 6:00 am flight get off fine? Why do they even have a flight before 8:00 am? This cannot be their first experience with fog. They are in a swamp close to the gulf, surrounded with water and the humidity is 137 % for the love of Pete.
“Well I’m sorry sir we can’t very well control the weather now can we”. This was the line delivered through a fake smile that started my day down the path to Hades. Thorough training allowed the flight agent to also reassure this Yankee with her country charm and her “don’t worry baby”. I considered replying thanks sugar and I’m sure she would not have blinked an eye. I pressed her though and she said they had plenty of flights out of Orlando, we will get ya’ll back to Omaha.
We got on the flight 40 minutes late and I knew upon our arrival that things were not going to get better. Upon landing, the next agent was not so country or sure that our continued plans were going to happen at all. The multitude of flights assured to us seemed to vanish into thin air along with the aforementioned smile.
As it turns out, we were in luck. We were going to get to Chicago but we would be held over for FIVE (5) damned hours. If this was not enough, she got the last two seats, which equate to the dreaded “C” boarding passes. No aisle for me, no sitting with my wife, 3 hours of doom on a plane from Orlando with multiple children and Mickey Mouse ears and strollers and oh the effn humanity of it all.
I asked about our luggage. “Don’t worry your bags will be on the next flight”. HUH? WTF! Wait why can’t we be on the next flight? Well (as if talking to a child) there is only one seat on the very next flight.” So as the steam began to boil over, I was thinking bags fly free just not with you.
My loving, picture of patience wife knowing only too well of what I am capable of says, “what good will it do for you to be pissed, shit happens. I hate well-placed logic. I wanted to be mad at someone but once again no one to blame. So I bought a crossword puzzle book.
This took the edge off. I had to think about which one to choose how difficult to make it. Not too easy, not New York Times hard but you know challenging. I asked the clerk Raji where the pencils are. Simple request, umm yes madam where are the pencils? “We do not have any”. Again with the steam, what the hell. “We have pens sir”. “Have you ever tried doing a crossword in pen”? Just sayin.
So there we were, 75 dollars on food later, my wife reading and I doing my crossword in crayon. My IPod was charging, I knew this would be a vital piece of equipment as I cased my fellow passengers. I was not surprised with what I saw based on where we were. Kids and more kids, twin babies, a couple papooses’, teens, old people and a few two- seaters .
If you have ever flown you are aware that some folks will take up their seat as well as yours. I call them two-seaters. I am close but still I fit between the armrests. These folks were barely gonna fit between the engines. My blood pressure started to rise as we were told that maintenance was taking a little longer but the delay should not be bad. My mind was racing, 1-hour layover in Chicago. I will be damned.
Finally, “All business class, all “A” class, all families with small children, all folks that need assistance”, all “B” class, the back of my neck is hot, madder and madder, “all people who are immigrants, all left handed people, JFC… I am going to stab someone with this crayon.
So here we go, my wife and I start walking, we had mapped out our strategy. Anything close together we will take, further and further we go towards the back of the plane, every seat I think is empty is full of an ankle biter smiling back at me. Don’t smile at me kid. Farther and farther, oh crap am I going to have to turn around and there it was, ridiculously beautiful to behold and completely improbable an aisle seat next to two old people. Yes, they will surely fall asleep during the flight. Now what, wait, there is a seat in the next aisle up for my wife awesome or so I thought.
The woman in the window seat of my wife’s row tells her son to move over thus allowing my wife to sit in the chair right in front of me. This is not perfect but better than we expected. After the cursory adjusting and stowing of bags, I notice that I don’t hear the engines. Are they even on?
Oh their on all right, the reason we don’t hear them is due to the battle raging around us. Parents yelling at kids, kids saying they have to pee, flight attendants slamming overhead bins, the guy across from me needs an extension seat belt, uh oh a two-seater.
You know the drill; the seat can be used as a flotation device if the oxygen mask drops help a child. Whatever, I did not care I was in an aisle seat with my wife at arms distance but there seemed to be a problem. What is up with this, there is a person not seated. The plane is already late find this guy a seat and let’s go. The Capt comes over the intercom and says that whoever had a “lap child” and did not pay to have their kid in a seat needs to pick them up so this man can take his seat. Are you freaking kidding me? I will start stuffing kids into the chair-back pockets if this plane doesn’t take off soon.
Finally, we are moving. Down the runway, we go speeding towards Chicago and the kid in the seat across from my wife pukes all over himself. I’m not talkin baby-spit up were talkin chunk city. Lord Help us all. There is just no adjusting the airflow of those little overhead valves to keep that smell over on that side of the aisle. The stench reminds me of being on a liberty boat returning from Thailand. I am pausing for this to sink in.
So as if to make matters worse the old man next to me starts coughing like he has emphysema. He is hacking up a lung and I am turned almost completely outward trying to dodge what is flying out of his mouth. This of course puts me closer to the wall of puke smell. The woman sitting next to the mother of the puke victim is outta there. She is now sitting in the attendant’s seat in the back (is that even legal)?
While we all sit and pray our prayers are answered with what, yes that’s it turbulence. I could not possibly make all this up. So sit back down in your puke kid and put your seat belt back on. Mr. Lung Cancer has coughed himself to sleep or died in the chair next to me and I just turn up my IPod and continue to eat fireballs. Please someone spread some more of that carpet fresh stuff.
The end is much more uneventful. It takes what seems like an hour to de-plane and head towards the gate to home glad to be rid of kids and puke and hacking and no I do not want any more damned peanuts. The flight to Omaha is great we board in the “A” group. I continue my puzzle and she keeps reading. Just get me home. It is raining when we land but that’s ok. A pizza and a movie with my bride might make this day from hell finally end. Its 8:30 pm, we were supposed to be home at 1:30 pm, we got up at 3:45 am. Thanks, Southwest it was a pleasure flying with you. Good God, Damn it honey the cat threw up on the comforter.