Why are we forced by tradition and ceremony to purchase these useless pieces of contrived cardboard only to hold a gift card? I’m pretty sure gift cards come in their own sleeve now so the “Hallmark” card and gold seal is truly not necessary.
Conventional forms of communication change so fast that there is hardly time to keep up, but the freaking greeting card industry is doing just fine you’ll be glad to know. Last year alone Hallmark made 4.3 billion of their half of the industry. OMG, that’s a lot of money spent on a completely unnecessary product. I was truly surprised that the Hallmark card was not created by a woman. That may sound sexist and, if it is, too damn bad. The only person who cares about the “card” is the woman in your life.
We are trained as kids that we have to read the damn card. At your birthday party you have to read the card out loud as if the purchaser had one stinking thing to do with the message. Oh, Aunt Maurine brilliantly scoured the racks of 99 cent cards to pick that card special for you. No you can’t open the real prize, the present, until you have said thank you for the stupid card and ridiculous phrase some sap had to bang out until it was approved by Joyce Hall. Yes the creator of Hallmark was a man named Joyce from right here in good ole Nebraska.
In his autobiography, When You Care Enough, Hall wrote: “If a man goes into business with only the idea of making a lot of money, chances are he won’t. But if he puts service and quality first, the money will take care of itself. Producing a first-class product that is a real need is a much stronger motivation for success than getting rich.” No one needed a card, Joyce. You made cards and women convinced the rest of us that it was necessary.
Men hate shopping for cards, that’s why we have wives. Wow another statement to get me into trouble. If it weren’t for women, not another card would be sold. I despise rooting through a thousand cards trying to find the right card. If I see one more card with “We are family” music embedded into it, I am going to explode. I would rather have my eyes scratched out than to shop for cards. Then if you make it out alive when you get home, you are required by law or your wife to write something witty in it. No, damn it! The guy who is getting paid did that. We are just supposed to underline some shit in it and add money.
Weddings, birthdays, bar mitzvah’s, (I have never been to one but it sounds PC), births, sick, going away, death, Christmas and the mother of all cards Valentine’s day. Every guy has forgotten an important date that requires a card. On your way home, you pass the liquor store. You better not!! Your woman can smell a liquor store card at fifty paces. Don’t try and make a computer generated one either, if you know what’s good for you. That is never okay unless you are six years old. No, you poor sod, take your ass to the official no-shit Hallmark store and don’t forget your damn gold crown seal.
Think about this scenario. If I rolled up to a friend’s wedding ceremony with a blender, a six pack and no card, he would be like “cool, a blender”, “awesome, a six pack”, thanks bro. You know what he would not say? Where’s the card. The estrogen enriched other-half would be appalled at such a tacky and disgraceful snub. Why? Because we have been conditioned to believe the card is a part of the present, or worse in lieu of the present. “Did you get them a present?” “No but I got them a card” Really, you cheap bastard? You substituted a present for a 5$ card!
Shall we talk about Christmas Cards? According to Hallmark research nearly three fourths of consumers who send holiday cards do so because of how good it makes them feel when they receive a holiday greeting. Huh? We must love carpal tunnel in America. You know you sit down every year dreading the “we have to” conversation right before the drudgery of filling out Christmas cards trying to make every relative, no matter how removed, feel like you really care about them.
So you fill out 5000 of these things and the one person you didn’t even know was still living sends a card to you one week before Christmas. Now what… sure you could not send a card, “but they sent one to us”. AAAAGGGGGGHHHHH. Maybe next year we could just send a form letter. )Oh no you don’t mister, that’s so impersonal.
“Honey” Jenny had a baby so we need to send a card. Bill is in the hospital stop by and get a card. Your nephew is graduating, your dads birthday is next week, Joey and Fred’s 1st anniversary is next month, Joanie had a sex change, John passed his colonoscopy and your brother got a vasectomy. On your way home can you stop, and get a card, get a card, get a card. “Sure, love of my life, I will stop”. “And Steve”?… “yes”? “Can you pick up a pack of thank you cards; I am having a pampered chef’s party next week”. “Where” I ask? “Here of course silly”. Someone shoot me, Please.