Ok so we can all agree that Email is the greatest thing to ever happen.  You would probably agree that it has made life easier in some respects and more stressful at the same time.  While the ease at which we can whip out non-verbal communications and transmit to every imaginable device in the blink of an eye is awesome, the dread of spam and friends/relatives that don’t get the medium is driving me crazy.  Now my son and daughter will guffaw at oh knowledgeable one, me, and my thinking I’m in the know attitude, none-the-less I will attempt to share a humble opinion of what’s good and bad here.  This will be too much to do in one sitting so we will break this up and start with the ever popular “Forward”. 

 First and foremost, you don’t have to forward every freaking e-mail you receive.  Why do we do this?  This is by far the worst email faux pas, other than maybe typing in all capitals.  Compartmentalize your forwards to those you think would enjoy.  If you are convinced that you are the world’s best judge of humor and enlightenment then fine send across your group dividing line but never be a mass forwarder.  Also clean up your forwards for the love of Pete, please delete the previous addresses I don’t need to see the hierarchy of your life. 

I love people who have to be the first to send it along as if they actually created the email.  Fwd = you didn’t do it.  You don’t get credit for the forward even if you were first.  Sharing is ok, over-sharing is not.  Now this caveat does exist, something that makes you smile will probably make another friend of yours do the same.  That being said some sick shit makes me laugh, not all will appreciate all.  It’s ok to fwd if your intentions are pure.   Some photos fall into this category.   Remember never use reply to all…ever!  No way you know that many like-minded people, and for God’s sake check the TO and CC line before you forward to someone who already got it. 

 Now in keeping with the forward, if you send me an email that says please don’t delete, you will die a horrible death and fall off a cliff if you delete or god will smite you at the neck have the decency to put that at the beginning of the fwd so that I can delete immediately.  I will not be waiting for my blessing or for Bill Gates to give me money, or for oil producing nations to feel the pain of our boycotting certain gas stations. 

 Do us all a favor and think about your forward.  Realize that the email you casually send causes some of us anguish.  Do I reply to this dumb-ass friend of mine after I have Snoped it and found his/her email to be poppycock.  (Elderly parents get a pass on this one)  The only reason this bothers me so much is because I am on a twelve step program that is similar to Al-Anon called IWSF (I will SNOPES first)  Hi my name is Steve and I used to forward everything.  HI STEVE… I will not forward what I do not believe,   I will not believe every thing I receive, I will at least raise an eyebrow or cock my head to the side before I forward…..you get the picture.  My friend MB broke me of this and I feel the necessity to share it with you.   

 Secondly or thirdly whatever – Do not try and envelop me in your agenda.  The restrictions on Politics and religion still apply when it comes to Email.  Unless you were in the same line at the polls or have the same confederate flag in the back of your truck be careful what you forward.  God forbid we offend.  People get fired over email now days.  And while we are on that.  Who gets to decide what email is considered so offensive that you can lose your livelihood over it.  Jeez I say bring back Lenny Bruce.  If it offends him then it truly is offensive other than that lighten the hell up people.  I am easily offended by stupidity but you don’t see very many members of congress losing their position over that do ya?

  So stop trying to get me saved by hoping that I will feel the lord thru the keys and quit trying to enhance my male hood, and If there truly was a chance that I could have an erection for 4 hours I would not call the doctor I would tell my wife to pack a lunch. 

 If I didn’t laugh at Redneck Weddings and Ghetto Fabulous Prom’s I would say come up with something new.  I still want the pictures of puppies and sand/sidewalk art.  I don’t want the e-postcards that make me feel guilty if I don’t open the damn things up.  I do want the little Johnny jokes but stop sending the Blond jokes none and I mean none of them are funny. 

 Quit sending the lists of do you remember because even If I do I don’t want to admit it and I don’t care if I don’t pass the IQ tests (even if I try and cheat), I don’t want to Elf myself at Christmas and I spent 22 years in the Navy so I support the Damn troops quit sending me sentimental messages that say what I already know.    

 There now go out and forward this to at least 62 of your closest friends or you will get hit by a bus.