Old and Young Alike

IMG_4323.JPGI think my “OCD” is becoming debilitating. Falling somewhere between obsessed and maniacal, I observe others going about their daily lives mostly oblivious about things that make me crazy. Old and young alike are driving me to drink (coffee). Some things are generational and others are just habitual. Either way, most of this laziness masked as “choice” is ridiculous and deserves to be called out.  It’s really none of my business, but it can’t be helped.  If you’re over 40 get ready to start nodding your head if you’re 30 or under start rolling your eyes because I’m about to start preaching.

Old people either don’t understand file systems on their computer or refuse to use them.  People who painstakingly fold, separate and neatly stack socks in their dresser drawers, save everything they have ever done on a computer to their desktop.  My god people, a few icons are one thing.   Why wouldn’t you stack all your socks on top of the dresser?  Surely they will be “easier to find later”?

I have walked in on my friends at work and seen them literally bearing down on their computer screens.  When I ask what they are doing, I get “Oh, I’m trying to find a file”.  After slugging back a Xanax and a cup of coffee, I try not to fixate on the twenty-seven inches of postage stamps filling the entire “TV” in front of their face.  I ask “why didn’t you just file it”?  Seems like a perfectly sane response since there is a whole level of computer available but unused by many.   “Oh, it’s right here somewhere”.  I wander off thinking maybe the librarian should just pile, all the library books on one table in the center of the lobby?  Melvin Dewey is spinning in his grave.

Ok I am guilty of this because I live with an old woman.  Beautiful, caring, wonderful mother of my children.  Her name might as well be June Cleaver (who was also hot),  because she absolutely refuses to relinquish her land line telephone.  “Wait, everyone has cell phones, why would you pay for both you might ask”?  Yes, I have, thanks for asking.   Pay attention:  “I hate those things, you can’t talk right on them, you can’t hear people talking, there is an echo and they lag and the NSA is listening”.  AT&T is laughing all the way to the bank due to people like us.  She’s so cute who talks on a cell phone?  “She is right about the NSA though.

Do you know why we say “Bless You”?  The practice of blessing someone who sneezes, dates as far back as 77 AD. A once held belief that a person’s soul could be thrown from their body when they sneezed allowing the devil to enter. In these cases, “God bless you” or “bless you” is used as a sort of shield against evil. Some people also claim that the heart stops beating during a sneeze, and that the phrase “God bless you” encourages the heart to continue beating.  So God bless you yes, but use a damn Kleenex old man.  Nobody uses a handkerchief anymore. You’re just storing snot in your pocket, this has grossed me out for years. What is there a paper shortage? Jeez!

Rapid fire round:

  • Young man,  pull your damn pants up no one wants to see your ass or your designer boxers. Old man, pull your pants down pops, no one wants to see that “ toe” or bear witness to the rampant vein damage of your ankles.
  • Young people stop putting your business out on Facebook.  No one needs to know about your sex life.  Old people quit scaring people on Facebook by insinuating you still might have a sex life. No one needs that horror either.
  • Young ladies or old ladies. If you insist on wearing shirts cut to your navel and shorts with “juicy” on the back, do not get butt-hurt when someone pays you the attention you garner, good or bad!
  • Old men, no one and I mean not even old women are looking at you. Stop winking at young girls, if they smile, it’s probably because your fly is down, and you have toilet paper stuck to your orthopedic tennis shoes.
  • Old people in general, stop using checks in a grocery store.  For the love of Pete you may be retired and in no hurry, the rest of us need to get somewhere, anywhere.  Subscriber tip: if you ever hear “wait, I have exact change” change lanes!
  • Young people in the grocery store get the hell off of your phone when there is a line at the self check.  It’s called “self check” not “my personal lane” dip-shit!

Lastly, It’s painful navigating through a conversation with old and young people. You can never convince an old person of anything and young people know everything.  It is pure futility.  Both sides try as they may to get the other party to respect what they are saying to no avail.   The oldie has most likely told the same story multiple times and not only forgotten, but changed key components because they can’t remember the particulars. “Ok Gramps so you fought in a war with some guy named Westmoreland”.  “Never heard of him”.

What’s significant to young people usually focuses on themselves and Facebook. Not all, but many will sum up your tales of past conquest with a popular text abbreviation, “DKDC”.  It’s a shame really, young and old can always learn from each other if one side would listen.  Doesn’t matter which one, but it helps if time is on your side. “DKDC” stands for “don’t know/don’t care” and they really don’t have too, unless they are friends or family who mistakenly signed up on an email list for this blog!


Growth demands a temporary surrender of security. • Gail Sheehy


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